Just kidding with the title. But you get 10 points if you can name the movie reference.
I’m feeling kind of weird. I really felt like I just needed some down time and that t-giving would be perfect to get me excited or at least more interested in this whole teaching business and carry me through Christmas break. What I didn’t count on was that going back after those few days off would be so difficult. If anything, I feel more tired and more wore out than before break.
I also spent a little bit of time with an old friend that I’ve not talked to since I started teaching. She asked a little bit about teaching, but kept asking me questions about what I’m doing with “my music” these days and H has told me that this friend worries that teaching will keep me from what I’m “supposed” to be doing. On one hand, it’s really nice to hear that somebody really thinks that writing/recording/performing is what I’m “meant” to do. On the other hand, I’m finding very little motivation to pursue those endeavors.
It’s been like that. I don’t know why, but I feel this compulsion to be evasive and vague about my music “career” with everybody I deal with in my new setting. I don’t want students to find my web-site/myspace/blog or hear any of my recordings and I am reticent to talk about any of that with my new colleagues/friends. On the other hand, I don’t think I’ve even been to Arsaga’s since August and I’ve been to the studio probably 3 times since July. I have a co-writer that wants to write with me, and we’ve actually come up with some good stuff so far, but I can’t help that other things get in the way and when they do, I’m not overly upset about it.
Sometimes I think that I just need to not worry about it and not push any of the music right now. That was the whole point of starting to teach: to take the pressure of making money off making music. Now, I just need to take the pressure off making music period. I keep telling myself that once I’m in the groove of teaching and I’m not so distracted, I’ll pick it back up and write and play what I want.
Then I wrestle with the same little voice that is the source of all writer’s block. To the writer, it whispers: “what if you never come up with a good idea again?” It’s sitting on my shoulder saying that but also: “if you really just give up music, what if you never pick it up again?”
I think this is most scary because it questions the identity that I’ve always thought of myself. That doesn’t make it any easier.